Affair Down

When someone chooses to cheat on their spouse, the person they chose for themselves out of this whole hectic world full of choices... Odds are they've "affaired down."

The nasty person they choose to infuse & infect their life with (and the life of the spouse they are choosing to decimate along with any children they've chosen to procreate, along with any life they've managed to build...) well, that nasty person usually turns out to be a far lesser person than the spouse with the tan line and ring groove on their wedding band finger.

"Affair Down" isn't going to be one of those walk in the park pages, it's going to be my take on this situation, hopefully with a lot of feedback that will raise some hackles and make some truth stew.

Wednesday 27 October 2010

On Websites To Support the DESTROYED spouse

I visited the web sites in desperate search of understanding, but mostly for a fix. I wanted to FIX whatever had gone wrong in my life, that caused my marriage to become as faulty as the state of California. I wanted to fix whatever was wrong with me that made me so... cheatable on.

After reading what everyone out there said, or what they seemed to say... because I got tired of playing the acronym game... and after writing on several sites, I realized I need to write this crap out, where I can delete or compliment whatever odd balls comment on my stuff, would be far more healing to me, because I need to have a little control SOMEWHERE in my life.

Before that realization and even during it, I tried desperately to cling to anti-depressants and anti anxiety meds, in order to supress my pain and thoughts and fury and disillusionment and anger and fury... and pain. Get the point? But after managing memory loss, recall inability, a terrifying horrible incapability to really really get into reading anything, which frankly makes me who I am, I weaned myself from Lexapro. Please gentle broken-hearters who found this blog for a reason, please do not provide me with lectures on how that's something a doctor should do. Because I couldn't afford to pay my co-pays in full, I moved doc to doc like, oh shit like my husband's Other Woman moved man to man. God Bless pink cosmetics and married women who allow salespeople into their houses.

Oh Goodness, is my inner fury poking out? This isn't exactly why I started hitting keyboard buttons, so.....do you want me to tell you something really subversive? "Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." --Erica Jong

At the same time... I'm tired of trying to figure out who is lying and who isn't. And I'm tired of my worst nightmare defining my life, and of pretending things are okay when they're not. I want a life that isn't disposable if I get dumped, lied to, and left behind.

I want to understand and forget, see it for what it is and pretend it never happened, cry endlessly and be stoic.

It can't be that hard to handle.....can it?
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